I wanted her to love me. To kiss my lips and touch my fingers and hide me from myself. I wanted to be seen as something more then just a figment of the imagination and it’s cold outside. Spring has just begun but there is still rain on my windowsill, why is there so much room to expand. I am eating all the letters but keep vomiting up nonsense and there is gasoline tripping over its shoelaces as it runs through my veins. Pass me some matches, and I’ll set myself ablaze just to keep you in the light. I am dust and lint and broken promises and sore feet and I see green eyes in my rear view mirror every time I drive.
     I want to hold her hand. I want to expand myself to another level, to make myself big enough that people can’t ignore the hammering in my chest when I pass them in the street. I am dancing on ice with my shoes kicked to the side but the bottoms of my feet are still hot. I want to run. I want to kiss strangers because I don’t think he loves me anymore. I am bouncing between the sanded fingers that never seem to leave any splinters; I just want a little scar to remind myself you were real.
     It is dark outside and I’m alone again. Left to beat my heart with all the strength I can muster but something is different in the way my lungs scream. I can hear my body as it fixes and loves me but I don’t think it loves me in the ways I want. I am breathing like surgery, under the anaesthetic, tilting back my head as I scream violence at the sky.
     Can you hear me? I see her in my dreams and she’s dancing once again in the kitchen to the radio and I wish I had danced with her there is a fire and its so warm I can smell the gravy and the TV is talking loudly and now the ground is warmer then the flesh upon her face.
     It is so quiet here in this house, with its cold feet and sleeping patrons. Comings and goings occur, and time elapses as I wait for nothing and everything all at the same time. I am a dartboard in the summertime, Christmas hats and tear drops and I know he never loved me but I pretend all the same. I lied to him and I lied to them and I will lie and lie again and I rip my veins out every night and watch them bleed into the sky.
     I don’t make any sense anymore, there’s something in my brain that pendulums back and forth in a ricochet of nonsense and I need to know that I am still real. I pinch myself when no ones looking and bite the sides of my arms because the hands tacked to the end of them no longer feel a thing. I should’ve kissed him longer. I should’ve let myself get so wrapped up in the night sky that I could become a constellation too, I don’t want to talk about the sunshine.
     I wish I had listened when they said time takes time but all I think about now is the sand as it runs through the glass. I wanted her to love me like I did but I lied to myself and I lied to him and I see the blood behind my eyes. I write word after word after word and none of it says what I’m trying to say but all of its important and my chest is so heavy I can feel my soul pressing at the edges I want to scream all the time but there’s something civil that pauses my breath before I can even take it in.
     Something is wrong again and there’s no one to blame but myself this time I see the night sky and I want it to hold me in its arms and kiss my forehead-
     I am very small. I expand and contract. I wish I could fill my words with meaning and metaphor but nothing spills out but nonsense I am nonsense and grit, spiders and record players that don’t know how to make a sound. Kiss me and you will see how important I am.
     I have curled into a ball in the middle of the night, drunk, sitting on the road. I kissed my knees and held my hands but all my love is in the ground, sitting and sobbing
     And warming the flesh of her face.

The Words I Found In My Grandmothers Grave After I Met a Girl // Annie Carroll

(via frostied)